Talk Dirty To Me
I’m a Dirty Talker
I’ve always been a dirty talker. When I was in my twenties, way before texting was even a thing, I was having amazing phone sex! An NYPD detective that I was dating at the time, once told me that our conversations would be considered illegal in most states. I was tickled by that. I think I leaned into phone sex, because It was the 90’s at the height of the AIDS epidemic. Between the evening news and my high school sex ed class, I found myself slightly terrified of sexual intimacy. Yet somehow in the midst of it all, I very much understood the way using words sexually, could ignite a moment. Now in my 50’s, post divorce, having let go of much of that sexual ambivalence, I find myself honing the art of being naughty. I think talking dirty is a perfect form of foreplay and as a writer, sexting comes very natural to me. Creating heat, simply by uttering a simple phrase, is at minimum fun and at max, really good for your sex life!
His Words Touched My Body From Thousands of Miles Away
Anyone who has ever been in a long distance relationship understands the importance of staying sexually connected. This past year I dated a man ten years younger than me, who lives bi-coastally. When he was in California and I was in New York, we relied heavily on a strong sexting and phone sex game. I loved waking up in the middle of the night to the sound of a bell alerting me to his text. “Are you sleeping?" he would ask. “Not anymore, now I’m just thinking about you grabbing my hips, with a firm grip and squeezing tight, like you do”. Simple, sexy, personal and honest goes a very long way to bridge the distance, when you can’t be together. Reminiscing about past sexual experiences always brought my lover and I right back to those moments and when we could find a window we would partake in a naughty Facetime for good measure. At times it felt as if he were reaching through the phone and touching my body with his words, satisfying me, just in a different way.
Getting To Know Someone
For those who are just beginning to date or simply not ready to have sex, sexting and phone sex can be a great way to begin to explore each other’s desires while feeling emotionally and physically safe. In my mid forties I had just come out of a fifteen year, somewhat mundane, monogomous marriage. Just starting to date again, I found myself partaking in some dirty talk with someone I had recently met. During the conversaton he mentioned spitting in my mouth, which was a new idea for me at the time and one I wasn’t quite sure about. Later, it would prompt a discussion about what other kinds of things he was into. I quickly realized we were not going to be compatible, not because of what he liked, more because I did not see him as someone I would feel comfortable doing such things with. I was glad to have figured this out ahead of time, before I found myself somewhere naked and regretful, instead I was grateful for the original conversation.
You Don’t Need To Be an Expert, You Need Only To Practice Non Judgement
To be clear, talking dirty doesn’t necessarily come naturally to most people. If you find yourself in this category, that is absolutely okay. You may need a little time to get comfortable with your partner before you start to let go. If you’ve been together for a while, this may be a good way to take him by surprise. You can begin simply by letting him know how good he’s making you feel, maybe with a bit more description than you would normally use. Something like “mmm I love it when you spank me, that sting on my ass, it hurts and yet feels so good at the same time.” Just describing how he made you feel, is going to have him wanting to give you more. What’s most important is practicing non-judgment around the things that feel uncomfortable to you. Be easy with yourself, the beauty of sex is that we get to choose what feels right and pass on the rest. What’s important is keeping an open mind and refraining from shaming your partner, best friend or even a stranger like me, for wanting something that you may not.
Be Present and Detach From The Outcome
When you're comfortable enough to be sexting with someone, it can be nice to go slow, to be very present, to sit in the knowledge that there is no need to rush. If he texts something as innocent as “I'm thinking about you”, you can respond leisurely with “I bet you are”. Innocent flirtation can be a giant turn on, there is something very sexy about being content to simply watch it all unfold. Pure presence in a conversation, means noticing only the last thing that your lover said or wrote and responding directly to that. Letting go of the need to control or know what the outcome will be, is key. Depending on your schedules or where you are at the moment that you're texting, this playfulness may not end in orgasm every time. That’s okay. It can be just as lovely to pick up the conversation later or tomorrow, letting it linger and flow, like a lazy river that you know will eventually end, in a gushing waterfall.
The Dirty Date
One of the best times to start a naughty conversation is when you know you're going to be seeing your lover very soon. It’s a way to begin building tension, even before the two of you have entered the same room. While you're at home getting ready, you might send him a message about what could transpire later. “I was just thinking about how you fill me up when you're inside of me, so big and heavy and deep, mmm I can’t wait”. He in return may tell you that you are in for it tonight and that you better be ready! You’ll giggle and respond with a coy, hand over mouth emoji or maybe the purple horny devil and two starry eyes”. Once you're on your date this fun connection can continue in a whisper across the table of the restaurant and even through a text he sends you while you're in the ladies room. “I see the outline of your nipples in that shirt, thank you”. You in turn can respond by telling him he’s the reason your nipples are so hard and that you can’t wait to feel his wet tongue on them when you get home. Once back at the table the two of you will have a secret and a spark that people around you can feel, but not quite understand. He will most definitely ask for the check in a hurry. When you finally have privacy, there will already have been hours worth of delicious energy created.
Dirty Talking During Sex
There are so many ways to talk dirty to one another while you’re having sex, making love, fucking, whatever your chosen verbage may be. It can be repetitive once you really know what feels fun to the two of you or it can be different every time. The words can range from mild, like “oh daddy right there you're hitting my spot” to a little more nasty, “I wanna fill your pussy up with all this hot cum”. Words are powerful! If you're really paying attention you may notice that your partner is giving you cues about what turns him on, without directly asking you to say it. So maybe he says something like “I know you want to lick these big balls don’t you” and if it feels right, you can just repeat back to him what he said to you, “omg yes I want to taste those heavy balls.” It can take time for some people to find their groove, but once you do, it gets better and better.
When Naughty Turns Nasty
I must admit there have been times in the heat of passion when my lover said something to me, or asked me to say something to him that made even my eyes grow wide. I remember the first time he said “shut the fuck up bitch during sex” and then gently nibbled on my nipple. There was a mili-second where I digested the words he was saying and thought, “oh my goodness did he really just go there”. Then I quickly remembered, I was safe, I was in good hands, I was happy, I was in ecstasy and I giggled. I liked it. I enjoyed the balance he was creating of aggressive and sensual occuring simultaneously. I knew how much he loved pleasing me, I also knew that he would adjust for me in the future if I needed him to. I never did.
Letting Go Of Control
There were times when we talked so dirty, that I thought I might get my mouth washed out with soap. We ventured into the taboo, talking about our differences of age and even race. We went there for sure. On one occasion he requested that I say something to him that consisted of words I had never spoken, words that in real life outside of his apartment I should never speak. “You want me to say that?” I asked. “Are you sure?”. And his response, while wearing a slight smirk, was a complete and utter turn on, “say it” he demanded. So I did. This kind of sex always moved us towards an outrageous climax and a deeper sense of trust. In the end, these nasty, naughty, juicy, edgy, salacious words, brought me closer to my lover. I understood that they were his way of seeing how present I was in my body, in our moment, rather than in my mind. He wanted to know just how willing I could be to let go, to give up control. We pushed the boundaries of acceptable behavior way over the edge, we got lost in the ugliest and most beautiful words and I would not have wanted it, any other way