I Felt His Heartbeat
I was lying in bed one morning recently next to the man I’m dating and he slipped his hand under my thigh as he began to doze off. I felt his heartbeat pulsating from his wrist. It was one of the strongest heartbeats I have ever felt. I closed my eyes to it and lay in appreciation of that thump, thump, thump. I wondered if I could sync my own heartbeat to it. For a moment in time I let go of all of my wandering thoughts about us, I let go of the questions in my head and just felt his heartbeat. I was fully present. I was fully happy.
Moments in time get really interesting when you begin to become present. When you realize that for most of your life, you've been living somewhere outside of the actual time and space that you were occupying. Too busy being afraid, trying to control, lost in the past and wrapped up in the false stories of the future. How many times have you misinterpreted what was being said to you? How many times have you missed the full experience, because you were listening to the resounding noise of your own mind, rather than the words that were being spoken to you? None of that matters now, all that matters is learning to become present in as many more moments of your life as you possibly can. Imagine what would change if you could smell, taste, touch, see, feel all of life as it's happening. Imagine what could flow into your existence.
While becoming present can be achieved in different ways, the one I think that has been the most powerful for me is meditation. The sitting quietly for 15 minutes a day I have been doing since summer began and before that. The bringing of my attention consistently out of my own thoughts and to the sounds around me. A willingness to learn to create blank space in my own mind, if only for a few seconds. The training that allows me to more quickly recognize that I have left the present moment, that I am out of alignment and that I need to bring myself back. Don’t get me wrong, I still continuously get lost in my thoughts throughout the day. Having thoughts is who we are as humans, but they don’t have hurt. They don’t have to be fearful or negative, you can learn to choose the ones that feel good to think. This change hasn't come to me all at once, it has come in bits and pieces over time and continues to astound me. It is a practice and the rewards of this practice are infinite. They are me immersed in my real life, not the one in my head. They can be seen and felt in so many ways, but my favorite, at least for now… was his heartbeat.